We are FOUR!

In an attempt not to get too wordy on facebook or other social media, I'll keep track on here. You can thank me later. The quads are 4 today. Four years. At 2:37 Miriam came and got into bed with us. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept thinking of James. Something is different this year but I couldn't place my finger on exactly what it is. 4 isn't a huge milestone. 4 years isn't that much different from any other year. So why does it feel so hard? What is gnawing at me? What has my stomach in knots and my anxiety so high? It shouldn't be a surprise or shock or a secret that I'm pretty heavily medicated. (Ain't no shame in gettin' some help). I'm not supposed to have this much anxiety. But it finally dawned on me. I've survived 4 years without him. The feelings are those of guilt, surprise, pain and pride. I feel so guilty that after 4 years I'm still going on. It surprises me that I'm still doing it. I'm surprised that the pain is still so raw and powerful it can sucker punch me. But I'm also proud that my family is surviving. We're making it. Chuck and I have had 4 years of difficulties but are powering through it. And my Anna has had 4 years of adjusting and being even more flexible with everything life has thrown at her. But today isn't about me. Today is about the four miracles who couldn't wait any longer to be born and came barreling into this world 4 entire months early. At 7:00am James was born. The doctor held him up to show me over the sheet during the c section. I can see that memory as clear as staring at them now. At 7:01am Mat was born. At 7:02 was Charlie, my tiny man. And at 7:03, almost 7:04 because she didn't want to come out, Miriam, the stubborn one was born. At sunrise we went to the beach. We've done this every year. We place a flower in the ocean and wish James a happy birthday. We give him his moment. This morning we got to use a Gardenia. This was the first year that the kids are starting to understand so they all said "Happy Birthday, James!". And then demanded birthday donuts. At four years old their personalities are really shining through. Mat is so fearless. He is a bull in a china shop. He is incredibly smart. But he can be the sweetest, snuggliest big guy. Charlie, despite his autism behaviors and struggles, he wants so much to make people happy. He lights up when he can make others smile. He tells me frequently, "you have a pretty dress". He is so bright. His mind is amazing to watch. But he's so clever. And Miriam, so feisty. She is so bossy and so persistent. But she is ferociously protective of her brothers. She has a huge heart. She does everything on her own time and can't be told what to do. Happy 4th Birthday to my amazing quadruplets. You've changed our lives in so many ways and I'm so grateful for you.